The White House refused to take sides in Iraq’s civil war

The White House refused to take sides in Iraq’s civil war Thursday as government troops fell back again. The next day the advance on Baghdad miraculously halted. It turns out all those abandoned U.S. military vehicles used by al-Qaeda rebels were made by General Motors.

The IRS said Lois Lerner’s e-mails about targeting conservatives in the 2012 election can’t be found. They said two years of Lois’s e-mails were lost because her computer crashed. It crashed when President Obama threw it out of Air Force One at thirty thousand feet.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford made it back to Canada after he spent eight weeks in the United States at an alcohol and drug rehab. The mayor’s return went off without a hitch at the border. Obama traded him to Canada in exchange for five suspicious Muslims.

The White House sent Joe Biden to Guatemala to discuss the flood of immigrants pouring across the U.S. border this month. Human rights activists say the refugees who have arrived in America are determined to live free. All they have to do is qualify for disability.

The Pentagon announced it had deployed U.S. Special Forces to apprehend and arrest the leader responsible for the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi two years ago. When the Republicans first heard the news they rejoiced. They thought Hillary was behind bars at last.

The World Cup soccer match between the United States and Portugal drew huge ratings for ESPN Sunday. The game was a thriller in which Portugal tied the game as time expired. Sixty-five thousand U.S. fans are still sitting in the stadium waiting for the third quarter to start.

The World Cup called for public etiquette in international cities filled with soccer fans of all nations. For instance, London police ordered English fans not to wear England jerseys in pubs to avoid offending Muslims. It only begged the question: What’s a Muslim doing in a pub?

Twentieth Century-Fox reported huge advance ticket sales for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, opening on the Fourth of July weekend. It’s a fantasy. In the movie, the apes take over everything, and in a week the U.S. border is secure and the health care website is up and running.

The NTSB blamed Asiana Airlines' Hong Kong-SFO flight’s crash landing last July on the computerized auto-throttle. That’s our government. First they tell us that Lois Lerner lost her e-mails, now they’re trying to tell us that a planeload of Asians can’t solve a computer problem.

The Cleveland Indians were sued by Native American groups for nine billion dollars over the team’s name. The native groups say the name is culturally derisive and turns proud Native Americans into a punchline. They want the team to be called the Lake Erie Indians.

Kim Jung Un denounced the movie comedy The Interview starring Seth Rogan and James Franco about two hapless guys who try to assassinate Kim. It’s been an angry month for the dictator. He just got satellite TV and figured out that Dennis Rodman wasn’t Obama

Hillary Clinton accepted a huge gig at the University of Nevada Las Vegas in October. It’s the same campus where Obama spoke last year. Washington D.C. politicians are restricted to the UNLV campus because anybody who is eighteen trillion in debt is not allowed in the casinos.

Bill Clinton told NBC News that he and Hillary get to meet ordinary people every weekend when they go grocery shopping. It’s always an adventure. Three times last month, the produce manager has to remind Bill to put on his glasses if he’s going to squeeze the melons.