Turning Over the Death Card

Turning Over the Death Card

Things are getting hot again over in Syria, and not just because of the weather. Russia just said that if the United States jumps into the war in Syria, it’ll end up being the Third World War! Now, there’s no reason to believe that Russia can’t make good on that threat. This is a superpower, even though the United States likes to engage in the make-believe that they lost that coveted title when the Soviet Union collapsed. I fear that the threat of another world war might be too good an offer for the United States government to pass up. “What?! We could have another world war?! Why, that would be swell! We haven’t gone out and had a world war in a long time! It’s always been having to settle for wars that end up in cease-fires and we’re hungry for another war an hour later! Gosh, we haven’t had a world war since 1945! Honey, do you know where my good tie is? I want to look nice! I’ll call the UN and make reservations.”

This will be a world war to remember! Just think of the soundtrack! We’ll be plugged in listening to this war and walking right into traffic distracted for years! “Hey kids! Enlist in the United States Army and win a coveted guest appearance on “Dancing With The Shahid” debuting our new designer body armor!” See, we think this is a world war where we just get to fight international iterations of the same thing. You know, like an International House of Pancakes of terrorists. “Try the Syrian, Iraqi, and Afghani terrorists all at once with our all-new “World Grand Slam Of Terrorists Platter”! We don’t stop and think, “Say, this is the Russians who just flipped the Death Card out of the world crisis Tarot deck here. Maybe we better think again about that trip to Syria.” And that’s exactly what happened. Medvedev was sitting there in the tent, hunched over the Tarot spread, saying, “Ah, this card blocks you, this card portends another quagmire war you won’t be able to cease-fire your way out of and…oh! The Death Card! Hmmm…there’s a world war in it.” The United States, unable to understand the nature of such divinations says, “Ok, so, how about we go for two out of three readings, then? Maybe things will change.”

Indeed, the United States is always lured in by promises of a world war. After all, that’s what the Cold War was about. Getting ready for the world war to make the world safe for cockroaches to ascend as the dominant species. But, boy oh boy, we had to be ready to do it, by golly! And the warmongers are still nostalgic for those days. “Gee, it was so nice when everyone was terrified of the Russkies wiping out American cities. We were able to buy a new fighter plane every week back then.” Evidently, the desire for the good old days has turned into provoking the Russians into returning into another Cold war with us, just for Auld Lang Syne. Even better, maybe we could actually get into a genuine world war and settle this once and for all. Or, until we have the Fourth World War, assuming the Third one doesn’t go into overtime and end up with a thermonuclear coin toss to decide on a victor to break the tie. “Warheads I win, fallout shelters you lose!”

People forget that the nuclear weapons the Russians have didn’t expire in 1991. This isn’t bottles of milk or packages of hamburger meat we’re talking about here. People say, “Well, they haven’t got as many as they used to!” Wha-a-a-a-at?! It only takes one to destroy a city with 20 million people in it there, Dr. Teller. People act like this country is invincible when it cannot even defeat the Afghan version of the Beverly Hillbillies. There’s probably two or more Mullah Omar Clampetts still running around over there spiriting turncoat gunmen into U.S. military headquarters over there to off a few American officers. Wow, great allies, what? And so you’ll find such loyal allies over in Syria, will you? Oh, silly me! That’s who became ISIS!

Right, so let’s risk a nuclear war with the Russians who have just come right out and used the phrase—WORLD WAR—to warn us to mind our own business. Gee, how about that? Minding our own business? Because let me ask you this: Has Bashar al-Assad said if you don’t sign up for AssadCare, he’ll ding your tax return? Has Syria raised your taxes or caused you to have to go to the food bank? In fact, is there anything whatsoever you stand to gain from Syria? Therefore, considering the hundreds of billions of dollars we’ve already squandered on this fool’s errand, why now should we risk a thermonuclear war over it? Again, if people cannot see that this is the perfect example to show us why the government is run by the insane, they must be working for the government. Just watch, the temptation of another world war will be just too great for the government to resist. The only way we’ll avoid one is if the government feels we could get into a world war faster somewhere else, or thinks the Russians are just trying to trick us into thinking we could have a world war. “Can we get a money-back guarantee on this world war? We can’t pay for one up front and not have one happen. We don’t feel that’d be fair.”

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a world war. I think if it’s done right, it could be a regular item on the lunch buffets. People have been busy searching for the new “trend” to sweep in for 2016. Well, here it is! The Third World War! Hooray!