To my son,Dakota James Barber.

To my son,Dakota James Barber.

I am writing you this letter to let you know how I feel about our lives son and I want you to know and hope you can see through these words just how proud I am of you and that I love you with all that I am right or wrong you are my boy,I do not want you to feel the way I have most all my life wondering what my father thought or if he even had something to say to me other than his abuse,I hope you can see why I never hit or beat on you, your brother or sister as I have told you I experienced that pain whay before you were ever our gift in this life.I never got to say good by to my father nor him to me and as it seems your brother joshua I know you blame me for not being there for him when he needed me to be honest son I do not blame you at all because I feel the same way I should have listened to my heart I hope one day you can forgive me for that hell I hope I can forgive myself but I am not sure I ever can or will,so before Life gets in my way here is what I want you to know of how I feel about you as my son and my friend   

I wish it were easy to tell you what being a man entails, all I can say is that for most of your life you will battle between who you think you want to be, and who you truly are.

Understand son Society will tell you that being a man means muscles, and a sports car, and a wall street job with a 401k. I want to let you know that it is perfectly acceptable to have all those things, but it is also perfectly acceptable to not adhere to what others will want from you our to be what they expect you to be be nothing less than what you were born to be a beautiful loving human being despite any faults you may have I know who you are and the beauty with in you i could see it the day you were born.

I want you to know as your raising your new baby boy Joshua that it is okay to grow up wearing dresses and putting on makeup and performing in plays if that is what you choose. I want you to know that it is also okay to play soccer or tennis or football or to become what your heart seeks as and individual. Whichever path you choose, I will clap my hands until they are red and raw in the front row. we have been your biggest cheerleader and fane  no matter what you do, or who you love.we will always love you my son

Please ,Respect women, and not in a way where you hold the door open for them or buy dinner on the first date but respect them in a way that shows that you truly understand just how equal they are to you. Women are are powerful in a way that society attempts to stifle.

All I ask of you is to see them in the same light you see yourself in- powerful, strong, and independent I have never told you this must it has been your mother who has held me up and help me so many times in this life when I have fallen down women have courage stronger than most but most of all son they have love and compassion so deep i do not think men will ever get the point of the true strengths .

I want you to know that you can love whomever you’d like. I will love the person you choose because I will know that they bring out the lovliest side of you. Regardless of their gender, sex, culture, or race- they will be everything to me, as you are. They will be your guiding light, and for that I will always be grateful to them. Whether you love men or women, you will always be there in my hearts son

And, yes, sports are wonderful but don’t feel trapped by them. Don’t feel like you need to care about which teams have made it to the World Series or what the score is to the Knicks game. Don’t let others make you feel like less of a man because you can’t hit a baseball or have no hand eye coordination to play basketball with the guys. Your manliness should never be measured by simplistic attributes that society will tell you that you need to possess. Instead, your manliness will be based upon the love you carry with you as you live your life love is power so great it can change the world dakota if you have the courage to share that love that's how it works you share it with others and so on and so on.

Please understand that love is the most powerful tool you have to help you through this life you may not see it know but in time you will try to have the courage to live your live creativly and bravely what you will find at the end of the day is you the person your were born to be not the one society or the establishment or schools or even your peers have tryed to make you become

There have been days that I have yelled, or screamed and punished you. 

Understand that I am only human and sometimes I won’t always know just what it means to be a father, but I have tryed my best. There have been and will be days that you want to hate me or slam a door in my face. These are the days you will look back on and recall just how flawed we all are- even the people we think are our perfect heroes you have beaten on me at times and no matter how many times you hit me or called me names did I loose my faith in you son i have seen this world and know just how cruel it can be and is i know its been a challenge for you and your brother and sister to grow up the way you have moving all the time never staying any7 were long enough to feel secure I know and for that I am sorry .

Above all of us, what I want you to understand is that the man you become will be a culmination of the people you influence and the lives you touch with you love or hate that is the choice you have . 

Many will boast that being a good man has to do with honesty, and integrity, and power. Partially they’ll be right, but what I need you to understand is that being a good man comes from owning the humanity you were born with to treat everyone around you like the beautiful thoughtful humans they are. To see past your own wants and desires and fears,and faults and truly feel what those around you need. When you learn to give exactly what the ones you love need, and not just what they want, is when you’ll begin to grow and expand to see yourself as the man you were meant to be. I look forward to this day, and I will always be proud of you Dakota james we havwe always been proud of you son .


This road of life you are now on has been so far filled with many twists and turns. You have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows throughout your marvelous journey thus far. You have ventured far beyond the shore, more times than not, successfully. You have been blessed to experience firsthand the world, its people, its values, its successes and its failures.

Son you may not see it know but all those moves we made not only did you loose friends and at times find yourself alone but I did also has well so did your mother and sister we all grew up even if just a little ,You have been blessed with the fondest of memories that warm your heart and soul, memories that reflect the happiest of times through the carefree eyes of a child. Unfortunately too are memories that you see not as grand, for as you’ve grown, carefree gives way to the world you now see as a man I know son its not what you thought it was going to be me either..

just know this son You have succeeded beyond measure in many things. You may have come up short in just a few. You continually made those proud who love you. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back, take just a moment to glow and be thankful for the little things that make you who you are we ar all given gifts by the lord son use them wisely let your heart blaze your trail it knows the way .

I have watched you be discovered through personal relationships what it means to love and be loved. You also have unfortunately experienced with this love both heartbreak and the sorrow of loss. You have relished in the opportunities to give with abandon and learned, ever so humbly, what is expected of you through the gracious art of receiving.

You have come to see that change, no matter how large or small, is inevitable, whether you like it or not. How you choose to accept it will forever define you and your happiness throughout your life. Living in the past may be the ideal, but living in the moment is reality and that, my son, is life.

No matter what you may wish would not have happened, when people and emotions are involved, unless you have walked long days in their shoes, their lives are not yours to judge. We all seek to be happy and we flee from rejection and pain. As you age, wisdom will follow and you’ll come to understand that true lasting happiness begins and ends from within.

I hope the love and loyaltys you have seen in me and our family have helped You and I have taught where your strength comes from, where forgiveness begins and where joy abounds. You have been given through God’s grace the wisdom to know you are precious in the eyes of the One who made you and can take comfort in the knowledge that He always has your back. If you will always call on Him for the little things, you will find in life through Him, there are no big things.

Never be afraid no matter were you may be to take a knee and ask our lord for the help you need 

I hope you have learned to see through my eyes son and by my actions that you must Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world...would do this, it would change the world

It is the truth that You live in a world that is constantly in motion. Stopping the world to get off when things don’t go your way is not a luxury you will ever be privy too. The ebbs and flows of life remain in constant flux. Move with them, embrace them and you will always find your steps firm and your path made exceedingly clear.

With you, each new day creates an opportunity to reflect not on “the what if’s “of yesterday, but to embrace and cherish the moment of today; to relish in the hope that tomorrow a brighter day may bring. Second chances too will come your way, but it’s best to seize this time, this place, this second and do what’s right today.

we may have had our disagreements but son I have loved you since the day they handed you to me in the dilivery room in saint paul Mn, that has never changed you may not realize this but has you have grown I too have grown so in many ways you ,your sister and your brother have helped me become the man I am today I hope in your eyes a good man

And son In you is the future. In you there is hope. You are our child. Whether we live together or apart, our hearts and our prayers go with you each and every day. We long to grow old with you in our lives, filling us with joy as we watch your dreams come true and stand with you when you fail and fall.

My wish for you today is to remember where you came from and the values you were taught. In you we have given our all, in spite of what you may think, that you may have all the tools necessary to succeed in this life and the knowledge and wisdom to discard the rest.

Finally, I pray you will look beyond our shortcomings and forgive where forgiveness is due. We’re not perfect as you well know, nor will we ever be. I ask for you to cherish the good in me that makes me and your mother at who we are and look beyond that which disappoints you that you may find in us, not just a parent, but a friend.

Dakota if there were any advice I could give you its simple this son Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment
and the other by acts of love. Power based on love
is a thousand times more effective and permanent
then the one derived from fear of punishment.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Love, always,

Your Father,Joseph F Barber