MISSPEAKING IN THE MODERN AGE

MISSPEAKING IN THE MODERN AGE

When West Virginians got upset with Hillary Clinton for stating “I will put coal miners and coal companies out of business,” she hastened to explain that she had misspoken. Apparently, the voters didn’t believe her any more than the rest of us did, providing Bernie Sanders with a 15-point victory in the primary.

When I was younger, I don’t recall people – not even political hacks – claiming to have misspoken. But in this era of Obama, Biden, Clinton and Trump, either they or their aides are constantly bringing out the brooms and mops in an attempt to clean things up and convince us that what we heard either isn’t what was said or what was meant.


In the same way, when people used to say they were taking responsibility for something or other, it meant they were explaining the reason for their sudden resignation. Today, when someone such as Hillary Clinton announces she’s taking responsibility for something illegal or unethical, it’s intended to be the equivalent of Monopoly’s Get Out of Jail Free card. It means that the person has made an admission of sorts, sort of like a Catholic confessing one of the lesser sins to a priest, and is now to be regarded as suitably contrite, not as someone who should either resign, retire or go to the clink.Formerly, if someone actually did misspeak, it meant that he had simply used the wrong word or had mispronounced the right word. Today, when you hear a politician use it as a defense, it means they were either caught lying or caught sharing an embarrassing truth.

If Mrs. Clinton were to ask West Virginians why they voted overwhelmingly for her in 2008 and have now thrown their support to Sanders, it would be poetic justice if they replied, “Oh, did we do that? I guess we must have mis-voted.”

Recently, a reader said some nice things about his conservative son, and asked me if I had any children. I thought about answering “Yes and no,” but that would have raised more questions than it would have answered.

Instead, I replied: “I have a son who is now 43. I haven’t seen him in years. Because of his gambling addiction, he began getting into trouble with the law as a teenager. Among his misdeeds were stealing and check-kiting. He never went to jail, but I thought when he was in his early 20s, he should have. It was the only way I could imagine he would ever hit bottom, which I had heard was the only way that some people ever reach the point at which they’re truly motivated to turn their lives around. But the justice system kept letting him scoot.

“Periodically, I would see him over the years, and he seemed to have at least found a way to earn an honest living playing poker. But because I could never bring myself to pretend I found his lifestyle admirable, we became fully estranged. He went so far as to change his name because apparently every once in a while, because of our unusual last name, some fellow gambler would ask him if he was related to me, and Max found it increasingly annoying.

“In retrospect, the best I can say about fatherhood is that if I hadn’t experienced it, I would no doubt have assumed that I would have had wonderful, loving, productive children. At least this way, I don’t have to be held hostage to a delusion.”

Speaking of offspring, when I see all the young know-nothings supporting Bernie Sanders because he promises to be President Santa Claus, just as they got behind Obama because he treated them as babies who had to stay on their parents’ health insurance policies until they were 26, I’m at least grateful that I remain in the dark when it comes to Max’s politics.

But it does occur to me that when I see college students behaving like brats if someone dares voice an opinion they happen to disagree with, I’m further convinced that the so-called millennials must be the single most ignorant, most infantile, most coddled generation in American history.

In roughly 70 years, we’ve gone from the slightly over-hyped Greatest Generation to one that is either unwilling or unable to grow up. It seems that whichever way you turn these days, you encounter a Peter or Petunia Pan.

A cartoon someone recently sent me summed up the current state of affairs in four panels. In the first, a young man is telling a young woman: “I don’t believe that women have any rights, and I think gays should be hanged.” In the second, the young woman responds: “Wow, what a complete primitive a–hole you are! You must be a Republican.”

In the third panel, he says: “No, actually, I’m a Muslim and those are my religious beliefs.” In the fourth, she naturally replies: “Oh! I’m sorry! I apologize! I hope you don’t think I’m Islamophobic!”

Speaking of women, English novelist William Golding is credited with having once wisely observed that “Women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men; they are far superior and always have been. Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges that which is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s–t!”

Needless to say, if my wonderful wife, Yvonne, should take exception to those words, I am fully prepared to state for the record that Mr. Golding not only didn’t deserve his Nobel Prize for Literature, but that, in this instance, he obviously misspoke.